Jokes and Smiles 4
The Pope and the Rabbi
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
to have the two as close together as
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city,
but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to
Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate
with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could
stay in Italy;
if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them
in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope
spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope
raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and
raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The
Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a
communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple.
With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that
the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First
held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding
up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to
both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him
that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the
ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the
wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the
Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested
me at every move and I could not continue.'
Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a
clue,' said the Rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get
out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the
whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were
staying right here.
'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows?' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
Please watch the spelling as it is printed just as it was written.
I hope it will bring a smile to your face, and a laugh or two as well
THE CHILDREN'S BIBLE IN A NUTSHELL
the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is
one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.
Then God made the world.
split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they
weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from
the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though,
because they didn't have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his
family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him,
but they said they would have to take a rain check.
came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really
loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real
name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out
of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues
on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels,
and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with
manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over
on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by
killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who
had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was
wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there
were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was
swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.
the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The
New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had
been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close
the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a
matter of fact,
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.
Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will
be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
SAID, "LET THE LITTLE CHILDREN COME TO ME, AND DO NOT HINDER THEM, FOR
THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN BELONGS TO SUCH AS THESE." (MATTHEW 19:14)